You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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