SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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