I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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