I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
