I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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