if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
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