i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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