My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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