forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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