also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
