I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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