i just sent this text using only my big toe
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
