My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
