i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
