Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
