made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
