my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
