mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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