and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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