I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
