STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
