don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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