I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
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