i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
