my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
