We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
the condom got lost in my hair
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
