I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
