im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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