I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
