i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
