dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
