Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
