Please, let me fuck your mom
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
