So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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