You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
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