fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Randomize
