i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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