this beer tastes like vomit already
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
