Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
