he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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