So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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