No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
