Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
