i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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