I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
