Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
