One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
