I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
