Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
