did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
