Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
