I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
